There is no greater gift in the world than to have children. There is no amount of money that anyone could ever offer me to trade away being a mother. There is no place I wouldn’t travel. No amount of danger I wouldn’t put myself through. No amount of physical pain that would stop me. No amount of fear that would ever prevent me from getting to my children and making sure they are safe, and have a life worth living, and not be exposed to the evil corrupt world we live in. There is no way I would ever allow anyone to hurt my children and not do anything about it. There is no way that anyone could possibly think that I would just sit back and allow someone to take my children away from me and deprive them of a relationship with their mother, and deprive her of her rights to mother her children, with the hopes of teaching her a lesson because they couldn’t have their way. There is no reason why I would have ever just given up on my children. There is no fight not worth it. There is no amount of money I wouldn’t spend to fight the fight. There is no way that anyone can simply use a child to hurt someone else and think they will get away with it.
There is nothing I wont do for my children. There is no amount of anger to place on how I feel about whats been done to us. There was no way that all of this was happening and I was going to be forced to just sit back and take the abuse and terror inflicted upon me. There was no way I was being silent about what the SYSTEM and the GOVERNMENT allowed to happen to us, and participated in ruining our lives, and chance at a normal healthy relationship with each other. This is my fight. This is my responsibility and my way of making sure that not only do my children know without a doubt how much I love them and would give the world all over again for them without batting an eye, but for the entire world to understand that I am a damn good mother and I am not going to be stopped at getting the chance to be heard and to protect my children from the evil wicked ways of the world, and having the chance to know the truth and be part of each others lives, without fear of the people who have been torturing us for the last 16 years.
I don’t know what has shifted within me to force me to push through the immense pain of not being allowed to be a mother, along with the constant conflict and chaos that I began to face the moment I fought back against the people in my life who I didn’t want having the power to hurt me anymore, but I have felt a different sense of what my purpose in life is, within the past few months. I have faced unfortunate situations and serious events that no one should have to face. I used to see myself as a person who just couldn’t get it right, and who always had some shit going on and I couldn’t get a hold on my life no matter what I did there always seemed to be chaos and conflict that I couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried and no matter what I did to ensure that no one had a reason to make trouble for me. Recently things have changed for me in a very good way. I didn’t get a new job or a house or have a judgement of transfer of custody, nothing like that, but my outlook on all of my good and bad things going on has changed to a place where I just don’t know how to look at things except in a positive light, and with seeing the bad as opportunities to learn and make changes instead of being angry and mad and not making any changes within myself or the situation.
There has been more trouble and pain these last few years and recently going through a divorce and struggling with drug abuse. I chose to make a way for me to tell the trials, tribulations, and struggle through grief, hope, loss, pain, love, faith, the good the bad and the ugly. The only thing I can think of that has changed is my FAITH and my belief in myself. I was abandoned by the world and while its been one hell of a lonely time, its given me time to learn to trust myself and to know that I was meant to use my life and my experiences in life to help myself and my children to have the life we deserve as well as help other people who have unfortunately endured the same things. I chose to change myself starting with not allowing any negativity or deception to be a part of my life in any way shape or form. I chose to give my marriage the best shot its ever had. It failed but I know I tried my best. I chose to continue fighting to have a future and be a part of this world. I chose to have a better perspective in life. I chose to see the other side of things and to react differently. I chose to understand and accept that as long as I continued to make the same choices and do the same things nothing would change for me.
I made changes. I made a turn around. I made a very big decision to take my fight to a new level. I decided that I was worth it even if no one else thought so. I wanted to give myself the chance I deserved as a healthy and productive member of society who just wants to succeed in life and love her children and have a relationship with them. I chose to stop the people who have been like an emotional vampire in my life. I chose to separate myself from the rest. I chose that I am worth being respected and loved. I decided my life was worth more than to beg someone to love me and respect me and help me. I got tired of begging for help from every person involved in my life. I made this decision to create a website initially to tell the truth about the events that were taking place in my life, which ultimately ended up bringing me to a place where I realized that I could use the experience of my own life to help other people and make a positive impact on the community and world. I chose not to see myself as a victim but as someone who will stop at nothing to get justice.
It doesn’t make sense to constantly say that I want to do better and have better and wish for better while staying still and not actually trying better. How could I teach my children to do good things in life and to try their best at whatever they do in life and to never give up or not apply themselves, and then not follow the same advice that I give to them. What kind of a role model would I be to give up on life? What a hypocrite I must look like to my children for making an attempt on my own life on April 3 2015, after feeling there was no way to continue living without them, and to stop the pain?! I decided that there was nothing I could ever do to erase that dark part of our lives and desperate actions I took, but there was a lot of making up to do to show them that everyone falls short. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has problems in life. No one is perfect. We are not to be held responsible for other peoples actions, yet we are responsible for how we react to them and our own actions.
I accept my responsibility in all of the shit I am currently dealing with, just as I place blame on the ones responsible for allowing my life to get to that point, and not just letting me be and letting me go, and allowing us to have a normal life. It has felt like I have been running from my ex husband for over a decade now. I have always RAN and HID and been AFRAID of ONE person, a pathetic excuse for a man named Rodney Walter Thomson, and his family and legal counsel, who have launched this attack on me in efforts to “WIN”. I have owned all of my mistakes and bad choices and repeatedly apologized to anyone who has been hurt by my actions, and for those actions and decisions that have caused any harm to anyone. I have forgotten about one person throughout all of this, MYSELF. I forgot to LOVE myself. I forgot to tell myself that I was a human and it was ok not to be perfect. I forgot to take care of myself because I was so busy being a wife to an asshole who didn’t care about me and used me as a personal slave and sex object and so busy finding a way to fight against my ex husband and those who were continuing to cause problems with my children in court, that I lost sight of my own health and safety. I compromised my health by allowing all of this to take over me. I have become obsessed with finding out answers to things that I may never have the chance to understand. I had to make myself take a step back and realize that reality is some people are just shitty people and may never give me the answers that I want or need.
I have also realized that no matter what if I want something to be done I have to do it myself. There is no better person than myself to get things done. There is no better way than my way. There is no person who can love me better than me. I have to love myself before I can love anyone else or before anyone else can love me the way I want. I had to make peace with the shit that I have been through and had to let go in a way that was forgiving them and not forgetting what happened and learning to deal with it in a different way. I forgave people who didn’t deserve it, and who didn’t ask for it. Not for them but for me. I had to move on with my life in a positive manner and effectively to accomplish what I had always hoped to do, and that’s to be a mother and a wife and a good person who can make a difference in the world.
In order for me to continue my fight for my children and my life back to a healthy place it starts within my mind and my spirit. For a long time I was running on fumes and had no self worth, allowing others opinions of me to decide my worth, and allowing others to direct me and control me as to what my life was and would be. I had no spiritual guidance. No faith in God. No sense of direction or purpose. I was a negative person and hated the world and felt everyone was out to hurt me in a sense. I was afraid of being along. I was afraid of the world. I was unaware of the journeyof life being the point of our entire experiences instead of the destination. I hope that every post, article or picture brings you comfort in knowing that I did this to make ME the best ME I could be. I did this to ensure that I protected myself from those that wronged me. I did this to finally be a blessing instead of a lesson. I did this to make it known that you cannot break me and take my life from me or my fight.
If theres one thing I did right it was to give birth to my amazing children and that’s why I did this thing called life. I’m still here. Its for a reason. I will pray for all of you and hope you will pray for me and my family as well. I will eventually get peace and will rest once my children are returned to me, and I am compensated by those who have stolen so much from me. Once I am able to enjoy my life as a mom and a wife eventually to a special person who will eventually be sent to my life and will love me and respect and cherish me, I will feel safe to relax and rest. Until then I will make sure that everyone knows why I’m still here and why I came so close to a premature death too many times.
Thank you so much for taking time to read about my life and what my fight is about.
May you never experience the pain as I have.