If there was a way for me to allow you to see what I did to myself, and what I had in my mind that led up to the point where I took measures to ensure no one could stop me from taking my own life, I would make sure to show you the only thing worse than being so depressed and felling so defeated and DONE with life, which is what comes after you fail (Fortunately, then again you wish you didn’t once you feel that kind of pain) And you survive the attempt to end your life. Its nothing close to nice. I need you to breathe with me and think about a few things. You are not alone. I am here with you. You have someone who loves you. I may not know you but I love you because you are my brother or my sister. Don’t believe me? Message me so that you can CALL ME… Kristel919@outlook.com & I will take this walk with you . Just breathe and trust me. All I wanted was to be able to trust one single person who had no ulterior motives, and who would just care about me because I couldn’t care about myself any longer.
I know its so hard to deal with depression and whatever factors are causing you to feel desperate about life. I was in so much pain from being a victim of long term abuse in every aspect of my life by my ex husband and his associates which included the court of law officials who allowed these atrocities to continue, along with law enforcement officials at every level up to federal government. I came from a background with drugs and alcohol playing a major factor in an unstable broken home where my mother suffered from a mental illness and the other things didn’t help her condition. I remember always feeling like I didn’t know why I was still here, and why did everyone seem to have a better life than I did, going all the way back to my earliest memories around 2 years old. I have an impeccable memory which, if I focus, I can recall very specific details of almost all of my life, with the exception of the self induced, as well as effects of brain damage that I suffer from traumatic events that have happened in my life. It is called Hyperthymesia. Its very rare, so much so that only 3 percent of people in the world have this ability. Sometimes its a curse. Sometimes its a blessing. I think its the foundation for my depression, having a vivid recollection of so many pivotal moments in only 34 years, and the brain’s inability to process all of it without being overwhelmed.
Im going to provide you with the tools that I know you can use to help you make this walk through your most desperate, darkest moments, to the other side, where you can learn to cope and heal through surviving this. You can do it. You can make it through this. I promise you can and you will. Just stay with me because I’m still here, and for a reason. I will also share my experience with what led me to feel that there was no way I could live another moment in my horrible life of suffering and pain, a second longer. I will share my most intimate, deepest, darkest, painfully raw details of the day I chose to “Go home”.
My name is Kristel. I am just like you. I am a human being with rights and feelings and emotions. I am a mother. I am a daughter. A wife (Soon to be ex wife x2). I am a physical, sexual, emotional, economic, social, reproductive, and domestic abuse Survivor. I am a person who suffers from depression, anxiety, PTSD, and grief of the loss of my first born child, who I had at only 16 years old, and his rare birth defect was incompatible with life, so he only lived for 3 hours. I have felt despair, pain, suffering, frustration, anger, rage, confusion, hopeless, which was exacerbated by my ex husband and other people who chose to inflict premeditated actions that had some very serious consequences in my life, both emotionally and physically. I had been in a fight against the entire world to be heard about my long standing war on my rights as a mother who refused to allow her husband to abuse her or her children, and after being raped, was set up to go through a very nasty divorce and custody battle where my husband committed so many malicious crimes in the court and with law enforcement that it became impossible to lead any kind of normal life.
It also reached a point where for no reason at all he had invaded my life in every aspect by himself or third party to have full access and control over my life in attempts to make a point that he was in charge and I would never have my kids in my life because I didn’t want to be with him, and because he knew that they were the only thing that ever mattered to me. He used my children and my love for my children to cause me to hate everything about my life and to turn to self medication, and self destructive behavior, which gave him the ammunition to pad his own ass in court and continue attacking me in a very vicious cycle of abuse and my rights being violated by the court of law who refused to give me the chance to be heard from about what was being done to me and my children. This has been ongoing since he had me set up to go to jail for domestic abuse battery when I was defending myself after just being released from Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital in Lafayette La for Sexual Assault, Which he accused me of lying about. He knew exactly what he was doing and so did his legal team who made my life a living hell because I wouldn’t give up on my children and I apparently had to suffer those consequences of not giving in to them.
During a point in my life after a very bad marriage and poor decisions on my part, I had made a decision to purchase a home so that I had a chance at proving stability in the court to try to give them the grounds to give my children back to me, as I had already disproved the allegations of drug abuse and inability to be a mother due to so many gross reckless false accusations aimed at soley attacking me for just wanting to be a mother and capitalized on my mistakes and made a mockery of me and my medical conditions and that was used against me stating that I was mentally incompetent to be a mother and it was imminent danger presented to my children to be a part of my life. I had never been in trouble or diagnosed with anything that would affect my ability to provide a safe and stable environment and home for my children, but when you know how to lie and manipulate the public, and your legal team is well known in the country for being so corrupt and in fact reprimanded for violating some bar rules and misconduct as well as being part of a federal investigation of corruption, you can get away with murder.
I was so excited that I had purchased a beautiful home with every detail planned out for my children to be in my home with me finally. As I had moved from place to place with my husband and being thrown out by his family every time I turned around. I never felt like a family member of his. More like a job, Which I was told was actually my role in my marriage as a personal assistant of some sort. I was doing everything I could do and I had used the money I collected from a personal injury settlement to buy my home and to pay a full retainer for the first time in almost a decade of fighting alone as I represented myself in court because we never had the money for an attorney, even though my husband made very good money, we never had it and it wasn’t a priority for him to make sure I had a good lawyer. I cant count how many motions objections and pleadings I filed to have a chance at what I should have never been fighting for to begin with in those 10 or 11 years. When I got served with paperwork that stated I had been accused of allowing my children to be subjected to a sex offender, and had engaged in dangerous risky engagements which jeapordized my childrens lives and had my personal relationships exploited and thrown on the internet with being made an example out of , for not giving them the information they wanted related to the loss of my unborn children which I was falsely accused of fabricating every single loss I ever went through. There was a blog made in attempts to teach me a lesson about how they could find stuff out and how I was a “Cuckoo” and referenced my fake dead babies, and was allowed to be used in a court proceeding to threaten, intimidate, and force me into a corner when approached with my personal information that presented challenges for my marriage to be affected if the information was displayed publicly even if it wasn’t true, and no matter what I did or who I told or begged for help to have something done about this abuse and violation of my privacy and other crimes, no one gave me a second thought. Right up to the FBI and Cyber police and local and state authorities who turned a blind eye and deaf ear to my cries for help.
I lost my shit completely, when I was told that I was going to be going through a divorce a few hours later, and had just had the park manager notify me that due to the police presence in efforts to remove and unwanted guest from causing conflict, (Which She told me to call them to begin with when I told her I needed help getting him out) , I had violated my lease agreement and that I would end up surrendering my brand new home to the park owners because I didn’t have the money to move it after just purchasing it and setting it up in Lake Charles La in Oak Hurst Estates formerly Hwy 90 East mobile home park, Beverly Martin, a very traitorous and hypocritical woman of “god” who had no respect for anyone other than herself was the woman Im referring to. I was told that she didn’t want someone like me as a tenant and that she would have me served in the morning for the process of evictions and seizure of my home by a law that gave them the right to sue me for my home on their property if not moved in 3 days. I begged and pleaded with her please to give me a chance that I had known her since I was a young kid when I lived there with my mother and that I had been through so much that I would be going through a lot and needed my home for my children and me to get through my divorce and upcoming custody case. I wasn’t worth it to her. She was so hateful and so ugly about something so miniscule compared to the atrocities I was facing.
At that moment when my husband left to “Be a good guy” and bring the person who had abused me and violated me to an extent and was drunk and wouldn’t get the fuck out of my home or life, and had broken my ankle a few days before, and I begged him to please not leave and don’t do this to me to play friendly with someone who hurt me getting a ride home, instead of figuring things out with his wife. I couldn’t handle the fact he was divorcing me, I was losing my new home, and I had an emergency protective order and custody order in place until I was able to go before the judge on the date given in the paperwork which was oddly longer than the law allows for allegations such as those against me.
I closed my front door as my husband left our driveway in attempts to be a fucking douchebag, I told myself there is no fucking way that this shit is gonna happen and I be a part of it. There is not a fucking thing that I can do to stop the shit and no one seems to give a fuck. I kept reminding myself that I had my kids to live for, but that voice kept telling me that I had lost my kids and he would do anything to prevent me from having a relationship with them and I would never see them again. “What kids”? I kept saying no this cant be happening. After all the years of fighting to keep them in my life and trying to do better to please my ex husband to stop being tortured and abused and terrorized, he had finally achieved his ultimate goal. I gave up. I couldn’t take it anymore. There is no pain more than to have your children ripped away from you for absolutely no reason other that to be used in someones sick twisted mind and game to have control and the need to “win”. Not even realizing how much he had hurt our children and had put me through so much, actually yeah he knew, he enjoyed it, and he took pride in doing so. He had made comments about wanting me to kill myself and that my kids would be better off if I did it, when he bragged on social media about how he was able to convince the court to take the kids and the way he planned a nasty fight, and a friend asked if he wasn’t worried I would take my life and tried to make him understand what he was doing was dangerous with me having emotional and mental health issues to go through something so terribly painful.
I turned my phone off. I made sure I had locked the locks on every single door and window because once I started there was no looking back, I was going to end my life and there wasn’t a damn soul who could do shit about it because this time I was serious . There was no damn way I could stand to exist in life any longer with my kids to be taken out of my life. I refused to live without my children in my life. I couldn’t take the pain of not being able to keep them safe with me but now ripped out my arms and life. I felt the world crashing down around me and there was nothing left for me to be in this miserable world of nothing but bullshit and lies while being told to be honest and having my entire life and relationships along with lies and false serious allegations to be exploited to the world to see that someone hated me so much they took the time to point it out to me and used my children to do it.
I want you to know I had just experienced losing my unborn child August 24 2014 just 7 months before, where I had to undergo surgery after I was hospitalized for hemoraghing and attempts to save my pregnancy had failed after thinking I was ok to be released, but the immense pain and stress being cast in my life by my ex husband who knew I was pregnant due to his aunt Rebecca Addie accompanying me to Envisions Imaging of Acadiana to have my ultrasounds and “Helping me” with some problems in my marriage and relationships, she had all of my information and had told him I was pregnant and fighting to sustain my pregnancy, so they knew exactly how critical and frail and fragile my condition was and still they chose to put the stress and drama and bullshit on me knowing they would cause me to go through losing my baby and having a miscarriage after I had wanted and tried so hard for years to get pregnant again and have a healthy baby and all the losses I had suffered through to be faced with evil that would intentionally cause me to lose my baby because they were jealous and couldn’t stand the thought of me having another child and them not having the ability to take it away from me, so they took it away from me the only way they could. Fetal homicide or genocide referencing back to when I was told he would never allow me to have anyone else child back when my husband and I first started dating in 2008.
My hormones were just getting to a normal level where I wasn’t constantly crying and thinking about my baby and what would have been and how fucked up it was that no one cared about what terror I had to endure daily and there was no one to help me stop it. I was determined to go to extremes to make sure there was no chance of me surviving a failed attempt. I had no time to waste. Jon would be back soon to get his stuff out of our home to leave to go to his moms to start the separation process. I went to my fridge and grabbed a cold can of Coca Cola and walked to the bedroom, closed the door and put something behind it , to make sure I could hear if the door opened, and then grabbed the picture of me holding my oldest child after he passed away in my hospital bed, and a picture of my second mother Ronnie, who had passed away suddenly 2 Decembers before who was a major positive influence and big part of my life as she raised me and was my God Mother, and I kept crying and telling myself not to be scared that I was going home. I wanted to go home. I remember sobbing that I cant live without my children how could this happen and I don’t think I could ever forget my own blood curling sobs and screams of desperation and being in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life to be accused of something that I didn’t do and have my children the victims of my ex husbands hatred for me. I went to the bathroom closed the door and sat on the floor with my can of Coca Cola and the two picture frames and had picked up my sons blue bunny rabbit from his funeral that I keep nearby and cant be without it always within the same place where I stay overnight. I had so many bottles of pills, unopened, opened, narcotics, OTC, heart, pain, depression, anxiety medications, but I knew I wanted to make sure I didn’t have a chance, so I chose Ibuprofen first to bleed out internally, (Graphic and sick yes but it was my thought process to allow me to almost be successful) And then heart medications, and ADHD, and muscle relaxers to seal the deal. I had taken handfuls of pills as if it was rock candy and swallowed a big drink of Coke and kept forcing it down with out taking a break to stop or reconsidering my choice. I emptied 3 bottles of ibuprofen, my heart medicaine and pain and anxiety medicine that was just filled the day before. I was still seeking more pills, I don’t know what happened between the time I last remember laying on the floor to being on my back in my bed with my husband on top of me sticking his fingers in my throat and yelling at me “How could I do this why would I do this to him” ” Why would I leave him alone and do this” Not once did he say I love your or don’t die. I think now knowing what I know about my marriage if you want to call it that and relationship it was his guilt, for the part he played in the entire decade of my fight and the pain I was going through, he didn’t want my death falling on his hands. HE was scared of being rightfully held responsible. He was not the man I thought he was. He didn’t even care that his wife was near death and was worried more about himself than his wife killing herself.
While so much happened during that time I was in and out of consciousness and I barely remember the paramedic who was working on me on the way to St Pats Hospital where eventually they would say there was no way I would pull through the night after suffering a minor cardiac infarction meaning basically I succeeded at ending my life. It was only the miracle of those team of medical professionals who worked diligently and so hard to ensure that I had a chance to fight and not become another statistic. I remember the trauma team making my husband move out of the way and him saying I don’t know what I am going to do about this I have to figure stuff out… I don’t know if it was an out of body experience or I actually could hear him talking to himself. I was aware of all of the hands on my body attempting to perform life saving measures which eventually was a very amazing job done by those professionals who helped me start a new fight that I had NO idea how hard it was going to end up being. That night I remember not being able to see anything or talk but I could hear everything people were saying. I was officially taken into state custody by the coroner and became a ward of the state of Louisiana and I heard the doctor ask about my liver enzymes and what they look live in my levels and that he didn’t think I would make it through the night. I don’t know where my husband was. I was in ICU. I had wires and tubes all over and inside of me. I don’t think I felt pain at that point. I was afraid and wondering if I was dead or had really fucked up and something went wrong. I think I had forgotten that I made an attempt on my life because I was confused as to why I was in this situation. I was afraid of everything. I thought about who had my kids and where they were if they would be taken care of, and in that only moment I don’t think I was capable of really caring. I am so embarrassed to admit that but I will not do myself any favors of lying to myself or to anyone else in hopes to actually heal from this new way of coping with traumatic events of telling the whole story no mater how painful it is.
I don’t know how long I was in that state of being so close to death before I was alert enough to over hear my husband on the phone with someone discussing a long term care psychiatric facility for me, that this was a mistake and he felt guilty and he even made jokes about not thinking I would have done it. I still to this day wonder if I was hearing things, and even knowing most likely its just my way of saying he would never be that bad person that all the shit is pointing to reveal about the man I thought I knew and was married to for a decade to be completely opposite of a devoted and loving caring supportive faithful husband. I had the most painful stomach cramps and violent diarreah from the combination of charcoal pumped into my stomach and the medications which I took on my own and the medications given as counter reactors and to save my life, my body was going through a violent way of reacting to the trauma of trying to end my life and I would have never imagined that level of pain that was so bad I couldn’t even think or better yet move off of the toilet which was a hidden compartment due to ICU being so small. I stayed on that toilet so long I had to keep getting in my bed to relieve the numbness and the pain was god awful. I didn’t wish I had been successful because I failed and was upset I was in so much pain physically I swore that if I would make it I would never do anything so stupid ever again. I was embarrassed as well as suffering worse than I was prior.
I remember thinking I needed my phone to call my husband and my parents and my kids. I was treated as a child because of the serious nature of my self harm and the extremes I went to in order to be successful resulting in life threatening injuries that were not sure if they would be permanent or temporary or if there was any damage they would not be able to tell until later, it was a wait and see game. I had a good friend who had talked to me on the phone prior to paramedics and saved me at that point, to come and visit me in ICU and check on me to make sure I was ok, other than that I think I seen my husband 3 times. I still wonder what he was so busy not having time to see his wife in critical condition in ICU while he was off of work. I don’t remember exactly how long but I was transferred to the telemetry unit before being transferred into the Behavioral Health Unit at the top floor of the hospital for a mandatory PEC from the coroner who had placed me in state custody to protect me from my self harm. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and I was very afraid of being in trouble for what I had done. I kept asking myself why did everyone just turn their backs on me then get mad at me when I wanted to “Go Home” but they couldn’t be bothered to help me stop the terrorizing of my life and the exploitation and abuse. I didn’t see my husband until I was discharged to go home, where he pressured me to make sure they released me out of the hospital, and honestly preventing me from completing the process of healing an coping with what had happened in that very serious time in my life.
I was seeing a very good doctor and seemed to have a plan in place. Until I found out Jonathan had borrowed money from my dad and the bank to move and set our house up on his moms property where his sister had previously had her trailer that had the set up ready and had began to disconnect the home completely and break down the skirting and other moveables as he had made his mind up to send me to Atascocita Texas with my friend who had helped me and visited me along with his wife and children to give me a better shot at recovery or his way of handing me off to someone with a background in emergency medicine who could handle this shit instead of being a man and speaking up. That was the way he would blame me for being gone from home. He was the one who sent me away instead of being my support after the darkest part of life. He never set our home up and refused to provide me with a roof over my head for 2 years. He allowed the house to sit unanchored and leaning and did not maintenance it whatsoever until oddly early 2018 prior to my set up arrest and violation of my bill of rights and constitutional and fundamental rights in March. This was his way of doing things.
My life has drastically changed. From thinking I had made a mistake and had been selfish to a wonderful man who was abused by my mental health crisis to learning the truth about the abusive and dangerous relationship Ive been in for the last decade, for it to go to where I had to obtain a protective order after he broke my wrist and ankle during a fight the day after our anniversary and had been mind fucking me and torturing me and manipulating me and had been very sneaky about his plan to get a divorce but refused to tell me and instead told me I was hallucinating everything that he wanted to make his marriage work. Coming home from the hospital was unknowingly just the ingredients he needed to serve up his payback for being pissed off that I had strayed and asked for a divorce from so tired of not having him home and by my side and refusing to come home just as he continued the entire duration of our marriage and relationship to have infidelities on a daily basis with an insane amount of different women. I withstood nothing but immense suffering by my husband choosing to make things worse for me and better for him since he claimed to be set up and someone after him and me and put me through so much shit after so says wanting out marriage to work.
I have never had the chance to be able to fully understand what happened and what I was supposed to be doing and how I was supposed to be doing it. I lack those very important steps in my recovery process from my suicide attempt and trying to move forward has been truly an emotional roller coaster because of the way everyone has kept shit from me and all of the self medicating and using the dope as a crutch to focus since I didn’t have my medicine and when I tried to be sober and stay away from this area Jonathan was buying and bringing a half ounce to an ounce every 3 weeks to me and my roommate in Baytown Tx where he terrorized me with law enforcement and playing the role as the supportive husband with an addict for a wife who made the community feel bad for him when he was in fact the person they should have went after for all the shit he was interstate trafficking for so long and for the shit he did to me , especially when a forensic accountant gave the results from his financial review which had confirmed he lied about being set up and was found to have malice and intent in his financial documents and contracts and never denied being guilty and grew more violent and angry each day after. To this point. He left me and abandoned me and our life to have better as he says. He accuses me of hallucinating everything that he has never done anything wrong its all in my head and he would never hurt me and says its my fault for getting the protective order against him when I was protecting both of us and Im just really stuck in a confused place where it really is difficult to continue being positive and moving forward with the divorce and the very nasty way he cleaned out the accounts and refused to provide me any assistance or alimony out of spite.
I’m still here. I know I have a good reason to with stand so many obstacles and to endure so much suffering to still be in my mind and fighting to have a better life and more positive role in life. I know I can do this. I guess its another waiting game and lots of faith in myself and knowing that I didn’t come this far to fail now. I regret the way I put so much shit on myself and chose to allow other people to force me into a desperate act to take my life. There is nothing so bad in life that would justify a suicide attempt. There is no temporary problem worth making a permanent mistake for a solution.
I hope that my story tells you that if I can get through it even without a plan for moving forward and through so many other factors that you or your loved ones can too. Anyone can. Its all in your mind to make yourself understand that you are here for a reason even when you aren’t sure why you are here its for a reason. We must not allow this behavior to be socially acceptable and within our laws and agencies who are supposed to keep this from happening. We must hold the ones who cause these situations accountable just as we are held accountable to take blame for our actions. It is not ok to abuse anyone. It is not ok to cause anyone to feel bad or sad or depressed. It is not ok to hurt other people to make you feel better. It is not ok to abuse power to control someone else life. It is also not ok to accept these things and allow these people to continue to do this to us. We have to take a stand and speak out against abuse and against the government not giving us equal rights and protection having a prejudiced opinion of what others want us to be perceived as. NO ONE SHOULD EVER TAKE THEIR LIVES BECAUSE OF SOMEONE BULLYING!