Ok I’ve publicly discussed my suicide attempt but Ive never really talked about what actually happened once I got home from the hospital and who was involved in my life for it to reach a destructive moment that I would have never imagined being worse than the actual attempt itself. Once I was convinced to leave St Pats hospital where I had a really good doctor working to get me stable and deal with the trauma and grief, I returned home to no husband, as usual, and no support system at all. No family and no friends who were genuinely involved in my life without ulterior motives. No one at all really. I had lost my dignity, respect, drive, focus, self control, ability to cope, and a damn good bit of money I had just dumped into my brand new home which was supposed to be for me and the boys.
I dont remember exactly how it went, but Jonathan suggested that I go to live with my “Friend” and his family in Atascocita Texas or Kingwood for my recovery and have a chance to “Save money while he moved and set up our home to bring the kids home”. I had no idea what was really going on. I thought I would have the support of such a huge department being that Jeff and his family were all members of the Atascocita Volunteer Fire Department and even better He was a Department of Homeland Security Instructor for NIMS and Mass Casualty Emergency Management and FEMA and EMT Instructor as well as EVOC instructor as the department houses the SETX RAC in other words an AMBUS which is a big bus capable of being deployed in mass casualities to assist in a natural disaster or pile up, and could treat I think 13 patients completely with telemetry all the way to critical care instead of having different small ambulances in an instance where it would be difficult as you know in an emergency time is of the essence.
I will admit there was some kind of romantic emotional inappropriate relationship with Jeff. He had told me he wanted to marry me and was divorcing his wife. I had asked for a job with the department and he was an FTO, so I thought. I went through the orientation and watched the HIPAA video signed the little sheet for my class and test at ADMIN . I was seeing Michele Dyer regularly in Lake Charles when I would drive from Kingwood or Atascocita for the appointment and back. Or had Jeff bring me. I would see Jonathan every once in a while. I always asked if the house was ready and got told he didnt have the money. Jeffs landlord was one of the Chiefs Jared. His daughter Steffanie lived with Heather and the other chief Jeff Mothes and babysat their daughter. His wife Juanita who got crazy once he told her he wanted a divorce lived there as well as his son David who had just started dating a girl named Victoria Barr. I was pressured into allowing them to use my Pathfinder as I couldnt really drive between the pain medication and the Hemipalegic Migraines I was suffering from. Complete exhaustion and fatigue. I was having a rough time with nausea and couldnt keep anything down. Thats the beginning of when he started bringing home phenergan via IM and bags of saline to keep me hydrated. I was grateful he had that position of authority because the last place I wanted to be was back in a hospital. Its enough I was back and forth with the migraines and internal health problems which I realize now were a result of the trauma my body withstood from my attempt.
When we were stressed and he wasnt at the fire department or I wasnt with him as what I was under the impression was a ride along or supposed to be getting my foot in the door as I always aspired to be in Emergency Services and had recently told him I never got my certification due to the Rape and the lack of funds to attend school again. I had a scholarship from the Loving Hearts with NEMSA SLCC in 2008 due to my city being displaced by Katrina I qualified. I was given several T Shirt or duty shirts. I thought I was part of the family. The team. I thought. We used to go to Galveston. It was rare because of his schedule and shifts and the CPR classes he taught with certified heart starter and licensed classes at the department for extra cash. I met a lot of people and being the naive person I am I thought they too were my friends and family. I had no idea that I was hated as much as I was. I always tried to fit in and do my best for everyone to see I had what it took to be a part of their community.
Somewhere along the way I was blessed to meet Ismael Diaz Jr at his practice on Lake Houston and Will Clayton in Humble Texas. He began to help me develop a consistent general medication routine and less of hospitals. I dont remember exactly when but I ended up seeing Seabock and Keepers at Advanced Invasive Pain Management of Houston in Humble off of Fm 1960 just past the mall. They were rude and ignorant. Treated me like shit because of a legitimate back and neck injury sustained when an Army soldier Latasha Richard from Las Vegas rear ended me on I-10 in Duson in February 2014. I had never been to a pain management prior to the one on Kaliste Saloom where my personal injury CROOK sent me to Dr Blanda Hodges and Sledge who refuse to stop sending me bills when they suddenly dropped me as a patient with no reason no paperwork or legitimate excuse for my discharge. Never failed a drug test. Never missed an appointment. Matter of fact I refused to be put on Roxicodone. I wanted to stay on the low dose of Hydrocodone in fear of getting addicted to the other shit. Thats the same doctor who gave my husband complete refills while I was in ICU for my suicide attempt.. Still dont get it..
Things get hairy here, I was self destructive, I was miserable. I was not interested in life. I felt rejection. Resentment. I felt like everyone held me responsible for messing up everything. I can remember actually saying “I suck so bad and Im such a fucking failure that I FAILED at suicide, I mean come on you cant get worse than that. Who fucks up killing themselves?!” I dont remember why or when but I know that I began to find myself stealing. Clothes food you name it. I couldnt afford anything. My husband said he was working so hard for so long far away and never had time to see me or talk to me and never had the money to set our house up or even send me for support worth mentioning. I dont know why maybe I did it to supress some other things I was feeling. The risk of getting caught wasnt it. I was terrified every time. Sometime I did it to exchange something for food or stuff for my kids at walmart. Even though I knew there was no way in hell he would even let me talk to them much less see them, I still thought about my children and that made me feel guilty to reach that point of my life. I mean my husband worked in the oilfield at least a month to three months at a time and we never had money. SO I THOUGHT.
I was hospitalized a few times with the TIA/Hemipalegic Migraines and eventually got officially diagnosed by Baylor College of Medicine while I was in St Lukes downtown Houston Texas after being rushed “RED bagged” by an ambulance I dont remember who though. I had been at my 3rd appointment I think, with a neurologiust Dr Khari when I couldnt speak I couldnt move and I began to panic but I couldnt even panic I thought I would die. I dont remember anything else except crying for my husband while being rushed to the ER with Jeff in the back taking a fucking video of me. I was completely OUT of it. I thought I was dying. I was so scared. And I dont really think I was scared of death because at that time it would have ended the suffering of being in that part of life and being treated like trash without having anyone to care. Without my kids. I dont remember anything up until I was already admitted I dont know for how long.. I was told a few days before I came around, and only because I got a phone call that the most positive and influential role model in my life Uncle Paul had suddenly died. I dont think it hit me then, because even now it doesnt feel real. The only thing I could do was sleep. I dont remember crying. I dont remember anything. I remember waking up to a team of neurologist treating me like a medical experiment. I couldnt believe that there were so many doctors there and a special team dedicated to just me and my health care. I dont remember getting better. I dont remember getting discharged. I remember asking if my uncle was really dead or did I dream it.. Seems like thats a daily thing now. Did that happen or did I dream it happened. And with a sadistic husband taking advantage of my memory loss and health condition it deterioated worse than it initially was. VERY FAST.
Somewhere along the way I was offered to accompany Jeff and the Department in San Antonio for the National EMS Convention downtown at the convention center by the river walk. We stayed at the Drury Inn way at the top. There was the Bonnie and Clyde car in the bottom at the old bank where the staircase led out to the Famous RiverWalk of San Anotnio. My God it was so beautiful and I was in heaven with the hot tubs on the roof of the hotel and pools. I thought I was part of their family. Jeff had driven the AMBUS and I had I think driven his truck a red Ford F150 following behind. His boss Edward Roth and wife Tara had driven the utility SUV and forgot to plug it in at the hotel. It went dead and made him late on his return trip and had notified his boss and lieutenant of the delay. When he went in the next day he told me they fired him for insubordination and for failure to communicate. Then as we were dealing with threats and violence from a psychotic woman who was his wife and also on the REHAB department who I had to file charges against with the contstable and police, we were evicted because Jared said I ruined their family and I wasnt welcome there. I dont know what I did to not be welcome but ok. We ended up having an apartment in Humble on FM1960 at Sunrise of Atascocita. I remember them saying something about making a fire there prior by the front gates. David his girlfriend and Jeff and I all shared the aparment as I patiently waited for my husband to set our house up so that we could be a normal husband and wife and actually have a family that was normal. I was tired of living with other people when I owned my own home. It never happened. I would travel sometimes .They both worked at Kroger and still used my pathfinder. Around Fathers Day 2016 Jeff became depressed and suicidal and locked himself in his car because I wouldnt sit next to him and moped like a puppy and made a huge scene at the pool prior, He was so pissed that he wasnt getting enough of my attention once again I didnt want to be romantically involved, He took his gun from the glove box and pointed it directly at his temple and then his son when we were trying to stop him because we thought he would do it. It was for attention I didnt realize it at the time. He then turned the gun on me. And was arrested for terroristic threats .
I will finish this on the next post.