I can’t even put into words how much it hurts just to look through pictures of my past, with my children. While I may not be the best mother ever, I have done my best, fought legally and civilly, for over 11 years, and if you count the time I fought silently go ahead and say 17 years.
I have done everything known to man to keep them safe, and to be the best person that I could be. They were loved, protected, provided for, emotionally, financially, physically, and never subjected to any abuse, or violence, aside from my ex husband who thought he could make me suffer for wanting to leave. I have sacrificed everything. Every single part of me. To make sure that they had BETTER. But, here I am with no one, no answers, no assistance, no resources, no avenues left to explore, to ensure they have the truth and best in life, away from an emotional brainwashing as they have been subjected to for the past 11 years.
A sociopath, who has manipulated the already corrupt judicial system and law enforcement to incite hatred and fear in my life. All along they are hurting my children They are the victims if anyone is. It isnt right. I have not committed a crime or hurt anyone to deserve this treatmennt, from the LAW itself. The State. The world has forgotten its values and what matters in life. Its not about the buck, its about the things money cant buy. Love, Respect. And making sure our children and youth have support and are free from abuse of adults. Anyone for that matter.
I can’t comprehend how instead of ONE single person willing to sit down and make some kind of deal with me, that I have to reach a point of no return and probably self destruction. If there is no future in escaping abuse and poverty, corruption, and depriving someone of the ability of filing for federal courts, with the time frame, then please tell me what the fuck is the point of all of this? Wouldnt it be so much better and easier for everyone to make it right? Why must it be so damn difficult just to push me and see how far I can go and if I will break?
Isnt that cruel? When you factor in that my children have a front row seat, and are being lied to and told that Im the liar, and Im crazy, I left them for drugs, and Im a piece of shit, instead of collaborating together to reunite us and give them the support and resources for counseling and education that they need and deserve, honestly. Nothing more nothing less. I have not been on this journey for myself, but for my children. I have endure so much to be called a Bitch by my 16 year old son who thinks I have never done shit for him. Hes so upset, outspoken, and bull headed, the last one time I talked to him anyway maybe a year ago for a few minutes and before then I cant remember.
The most hurtful part is that he truly believes I abandoned him. He thinks that Im the liar. That Im the piece of shit that Rodney and the community have told him that I am. Branden hardly even knows who I am. Its the most painful, excruciating feeling in the entire world. Not for myself, but to feel their pain of hating me, thinking their mother is an embarassment, a failure, a loser, a deadbeat, a liar, and doesnt care about them or love them. It breaks my heart more than it already is. I am not the best when it comes to talking or writing or expressing my feelings but if theres anyway I could explain the despair, grief, disappointment, embarassment, overall just overwhelmed that I failed, I let them down.
I look back and I remember how happy we all were. I was fighting a fight no one knew anything about, aside from those who were doing the damage to me. Its always been ok to inflict pain upon me by using my children against me. Because I will never say no when it comes to doing things for my kids to have a better life. Safety. Education. Support. And opportunities to have the life they deserve.
I dont know what else is left to do. I feel Ive exhausted every single option. Ive tried, begged, pleaded, cried, screamed, cursed, slept, stayed the course, exposed, lost, and got back up trying to make sure they have the truth to decide for themselve, to make sure they dont hurt while thinking that they dont have a mother who cares. No child should be put through feeling they arent loved. Trust me I know the damage it does. Thats what made me want to be better than the woman who calls herself my mother. I look back and I think “How the hell did I do anything for this to be done to me and the kids? What did I do so wrong? Were they not healthy happy nourished cherished protected provided for and loved?”
Im still wondering how I could have been such a piece of shit and bad mother to deserve the isolation of my entire community and the complete severance of the relationship between my OWN children and myself. WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET MY OWN CHILDREN BACK!!!??
There are not words in this universe to describe how much I love them . I would give anything in this whole solar system to put my arms around them and make sure they are safe and know how much I love them and miss them. No one can ever understand how fucked up this is.. I pray to god they dont feel unloved and have the strength to know better and find me again. Thats why I dont want to leave at all.