Begin forwarded message:
I have books missing and I have some of the other stuff missing from the store. I think there’s a bag or two in your truck that you didn’t see or you didn’t bring because I didn’t need the speakers. I’m trying to get my nerves better, to calmly talk about how I feel without making you think I’m bitching at you, or without you just telling me you are not doing this and leaving. I’m sorry but I’m scared to go home. I have told you there have been people in our home. I told you so many times that someone is screwing with me and you did not believe me or care that I was going through so much shit. Then you tell me your key is missing. You don’t know how I feel like you know it’s not a good thing but you try to act like I’m tripping and there’s nothing wrong with that. Like you don’t know anything about the shit being done to me. You don’t want to be concerned with it. You don’t want to acknowledge it. You don’t want to do anything to protect me or make me feel safe. If you think offering to move someone in our home is going to make me feel good about my marriage that you have to get someone to live with us you’re wrong. If you think that changing the locks is going to solve the problem you’re wrong. You know that isn’t going to fix anything at all. You acted like you didn’t know what NFC is but you told me it’s like you sharing your phone with mine which is beaming. You know there is routers that was found and transmitted shit and that you pretended like I was imagining that. I’m not mad I’m hurt that you don’t care enough for me that you want to just let me go through this and allow me to feel terrified in my own home and violated and constantly fucked with and have no idea how to fix whatever the fuck is making me a target for this sick twisted evil way to make a point of whatever the fuck the person thinks is a good way to make someone feel about the mistakes made in the past. You don’t know how much you have been part of the way that I was going through so much, because you let things happen to me when you told me it’s not your problem and it doesn’t matter because it’s not your shit and it’s not you and you don’t know what I want you to do for me because it’s my fault that I told people about rio bravo. I can’t get that out of my head. You tell me to do something for myself. You tell me that you’re all in and the next thing I know you act like you are hiding something from me about the keys showing up missing and trying to make me think that I didn’t do or hear what I did. I don’t under how you expect me to just be ok and know that you don’t have any interest in hurting me or screwing with my head. I told you that I wanted you to be able to miss me and love me and not constantly be walking away or ignoring me or being hateful to me. You said you agreed. You didn’t really hear what I said because I said that I was more scared to have this baby than to have something happen. I am terrified to bring another life into the world where I’m a target of being tortured and abused by a sadistic way of telling me I fucked up by you saying that now I know how they feel the burn, and stuttering, you know what it made me wonder what’s going on, why do I constantly ask myself what’s going on and why do I always feel so scared in my own house? I shouldn’t be afraid to be in my own home. I keep being told that it’s my home and it’s a roof and it’s mine and I don’t have to be in the street and you’re all in and it’s OUR home to live in but not once have you said anything about making sure it’s a SAFE place for my life not to be in the place it is now, do you realize how bad the shit is? Do you truly realize today was a good way to make me question what I want to do? You know I did everything that you told me to do. I tried staying there and we fought every time. You told me you needed time to yourself. But you bitched we were apart for too long. I am confused because I don’t get it. You told me that you wanted the house cleaned up and I’m good with that too but I don’t have any idea how you want to do that when you come get me upset and I’m not sure what you want but I know that I can’t do shit like this. It drains me. It feels like a very bad dream I can’t wake up from. It was supposed to be our forever happy marriage goal whatever you want to call it and now it feels like a torture chamber that you don’t believe me exists. You know it does. You just refuse to admit it and I think you think I’m going to blame you if you tell me the shit you know is in the house or anything I mention to you. You don’t trust me to have a conversation without acting stupid about stuff when I explain it because you think I’m going to blame you. That’s what happened today and you took it far to tell me what you did and WHY you did that. I never needed to know that shit. You think that made me feel like a woman who’s worthy or who is loved? I just want to know I am safe and I am not going to be tortured and you are going to stop trying to ignore things and me and stop hurting me with the way you jump into the things like you are still in the past of not wanting it to work. If you are all in you should be making every single effort to KEEP me SAFE AT ALL COST. Nothing should be above you making sure that this stops being done. Nothing should be a priority but you making sure your wife and child are SAFE AND NOT GOING THROUGH ANYTHING ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME AND YOU ARE ALL IN SO YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO CONTINUE HURTING ME AND YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING END UP HAPPENING TO ME BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO ASSURE ME YOU CARE AND YOU WONT LET ANYTHING HURT ME ANYMORE. YOU SHOULD HAVE MY SAFETY AND MY STABILITY AS YOUR PRIORITY. you cannot ignore the shit being done and expect it to go away or expect me to act like nothing is wrong that people are just getting to me. I need you to be genuine when you tell me you love me and you don’t want me to feel scared. I need you to be my protector again and I need you to help me get back to OUR home that is safe and I need my husband to be a better person than to continue with shit instead of just saying that I was not saying or doing something just so you don’t have to say sorry. And NO no one is moving in. That won’t help our marriage. Won’t help me. Won’t help you. I don’t need a baby sitter. I need my husband to be my husband and be home more often and I mean emotionally be invested not just physically home on the phone. I love you and I hope you choose not to ignore me because if you do I can only do one thing and that’s not go back.